Telling E & S

We finally had a plan, and it was time to call E & S and tell them that their babies would be here soon!

As soon as I finished talking with my OB, I picked up my phone to find an email from them. What perfect timing! It was a picture of the nursery for the twins, all finished and absolutely adorable. I had no doubt, though. And they had names picked out! It was a good thing, too, because I was about to tell them those babies were going to be here within probably the next 24 hours. (Or at least that's what I was hoping.)

Obviously I wouldn't be able to call France from the hospital phone, and my phone was getting horrible service most of the time. Thankfully I had wi-fi so I could email my mom and get some texts intermittently, but I needed someone to call and share the good news!

I called my mom from the hospital phone and asked her to call for me, or to call Sandy at NWSC and have her try. I wished so badly I could be the one to tell them, but I would see them soon enough.

Mom got ahold of Sandy and she said she would call for us. Thank goodness! One less thing for us to worry about, and I could focus on getting ready for labor. As scared as I was, I was so happy that the time for me to not be pregnant and miserable anymore was right around the corner.

Blood Transfusion and A PLAN

Early Monday morning (July 23rd) the doctor on rounds had ordered more blood work. I was so used to being poked by needles at this point, I just stuck my arm out and said "Here ya go!" The phlebotomist looked at me funny, but it wasn't really a joke. I had more needle holes in my arms than my 4 1/2 year old could count. And, he was a pretty good counter!

The test came back a little later, and the doctor was convinced he had a solution to my problem. The problem being my constant headache. No one seemed to focus on the swelling, protein in my urine, high blood pressure, or any of the other symptoms I was having. They just wanted to tackle the headache so that I could be "more comfortable" in the last few weeks of pregnancy. They were convinced that my headache, as painful as it was, was causing the heightened blood pressure. I disagreed, but, then again, I disagreed with about 99% of everything they had told me since I was admitted. Until they told me they agreed I needed to be induced, then I really didn't believe anything coming out of their mouths. 

His solution was this: a blood transfusion. My blood count was significantly low and he had in his head that giving me blood was going to release tension on my head, or some nonsense like that. I didn't believe him. And, the thought of putting someone else's blood in my body was not a pleasant one. 

I was all alone at the hospital, and I honestly didn't know much about blood transfusions. I needed some advice. My friend Caryn is a nurse, and I asked her opinion. She agreed that it didn't seem as though the blood transfusion would help with my headache, that only actually delivering the twins via vaginal delivery or c-section would actually cure it. But, based on my blood levels (which I know nothing about, also) she said it was a good idea. Especially if I ended up having a c-section, I would want to make sure I had enough blood in my body in case I lost a lot during surgery. 

After talking to Caryn, I decided that it would probably be a good idea. As scared as I was about it, I trusted Caryn over any doctor I had seen so far. And I wasn't about to die during c-section because I didn't have enough blood. 

Minutes later, MY OB walked in my room. Yes, MINE! Boy was I glad to see her. She came in to talk to me because the other OB, recommending the blood transfusion, told her that I had some concerns. She could tell that I was miserable, she could see just how swollen I had gotten, and she knew that I wanted the babies out and ASAP. 

The best thing I had heard since I got to the hospital, or for a LONG time really, was the next thing she said. "After the blood transfusion, we can start induction." FINALLY!!!!!! A plan!!!!! I couldn't believe my ears. Was this really happening? I needed to call E & S and STAT. Oh, and my mom! And EVERYONE. This was the best news, ever!

I mentioned to her that the other OB, the one who ordered the transfusion, wanted me to have a c-section because baby B was breach. She said that even if baby B was breach we could still do a vaginal delivery, and that if she didn't turn after baby A came out that they could do a breach extraction and pull her out by her feet. This was something we had discussed previously, as well. She reminded me though, that it's not always possible to do a breach extraction because she could be butt down, or some other extremity. And there was still a chance of c-section after baby A was born. As scared as I was to have a c-section, especially after having the first baby vaginally, I still wanted to try vaginal delivery for both. Baby B could still turn! 

So that was the plan, blood transfusion then induction. She said we could start shortly after the transfusion was done. And, it usually took about 4 hours or so to complete. So, that meant I'd be induced around 6 that night! Holy cow, this was really happening! 

Being Selfish

By Sunday afternoon, there was no plan to induce or do a c-section. So, I was back to being at the hospital by myself. My mom had to go home because she had work in the morning.

Nothing had changed, only that I felt worse and worse as the days went on. I was bawling my eyes out from the pain, and even though my AMAZING nurse was advocating for me, the doctors wouldn't budge. None of them wanted to the "the one" to make the decision to induce me early if something went wrong. Or if the twins weren't healthy.

I didn't think I could handle it anymore. Emotionally and physically I was at my breaking point and knowing that I wanted to have a vaginal delivery, I needed to find SOME energy to go through labor. I didn't have any left. I would lay in bed dreading just getting up to go to the bathroom. The ONLY thing that I found to help was the jacuzzi tub they had on the floor. I used it often, but even then, the fix was only temporary.

And I was back to being alone, and it made my emotional state just that much worse. I couldn't sleep to get things off my mind, I couldn't do anything but watch hours and hours of worthless TV. Reading was out of the question because my head hurt too terribly bad.

Talking to my friends, I had to decide if I were going to call E & S or not. Eventually, something would be done and they would induce me. Did I call them now and risk the doctor not actually inducing until weeks later? Or did I wait?

They already had plane tickets purchased for a specific date, what I thought was July 31st or so. If I wasn't going to actually have the babies, and they jumped on a plane, it would cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars to change their flights. I had to make a decision, but I knew many people wouldn't agree. I would wait until the doctor gave me the 100% go ahead that I was being induced, or that they were going to do a c-section. It was the only way that I could feel at ease with it all.

I sent this to a friend on Monday morning. (July 23rd)

Being honest, I'm scared beyond what I imagined about labor. I know I have done it before but it wasn't the best experience last time. (not that any labor really is). I'm scared I won't be able to handle the pain. Scared of what will happen if baby B doesn't turn. Scared of a c-section. And the thought of having the boys here pacing the halls waiting to know if I'm getting induced or not doesn't make it any better. Yes, it is their babies. Yes they deserve to be here. But at the same time, this part is about me. The labor part.

I was being selfish. And I hardly ever am. But, at that point I was just so done with everything that I needed to make it as easy as possible on me. I would tell the boys as soon as I knew anything, but with as many times as I had been told that I was possibly going to be induced, I had zero faith in it. I would believe it when it was ACTUALLY happening. Or when I talked to MY OB about it. I still wanted to see her, but she wasn't on rounds. She wasn't the one who could make the decision. I had to put up with the other doctors, as much as I hated that.

Don't Eat Breakfast yet

On Saturday morning, after another sleepless night, I was still feeling miserable. But, I had a new nurse and she started my day out with HIGH hopes.

She came in to weigh me and give me my morning pills. Prenatal vitamin, iron pill and some other pill I don't remember. She told me, "Don't order breakfast yet." Um, okay? Then... here came the high hopes. "You understand why, right? You have to have an empty stomach for a c-section." 

Where was this coming from? Up until this point I had been told, absolutely not, that the babies wouldn't be coming out until 37 weeks or if it got to the point where my life was being threatened by staying pregnant. (I already felt like that, but... the doctors had other viewpoints on it.)

I already loved this nurse, and I had just met her. But, what did she know that I didn't? I listened, though, and waited to order breakfast. I didn't care how hungry I was, if I was going to get these babies out today I would wait all day to eat. 

Although, I'd never talked about a c-section. Up til this point, I had said that I wanted to try and have them both vaginally. I didn't want to have all that extra healing time, nor did I like the idea of being sliced open. I was getting really scared, but as always things didn't go my way anyway. The on-call doctor came in to talk to me, the same female OB that I very much disliked who wasn't even part of the perinatology group I see. She told me that the babies needed to stay in longer. If they were born now, they'd end up in the NICU. I was 34 weeks and 4 days along. Of course they would end up in the NICU, but they would VERY likely be very healthy babies. I, however, was not healthy. More frustration and more feeling like no one was caring about ME. The babies were going to survive. A lot, a LOT, of twins were born way earlier than almost 35 weeks and did perfectly fine. Why was it that they were being so stubborn about the babies staying in longer? Were they worried that because I was a surrogate things would be different with the babies in the NICU? 

None of it made sense to me. I kept hearing different stories from every OB that was on rounds at the hospital, and I hadn't even seen my primary OB since she admitted me on Thursday. Guaranteed she would be willing to induce me. Where the heck was she?

Say Yes to the Dress

What an odd title for this blog post, is what you're probably thinking. But how fitting it truly is. My mother can vouch for that.

July 19th, only a matter of days since I was released from the hospital the last time, I went in for my weekly OB visit and non-stress test. I still had a headache, and this time I had gained another 4 pounds, my blood pressure was even more elevated at 129/92 and the swelling had only gotten worse. To top it all off, I had been throwing up since the night before. I felt like my body was deteriorating every day. I wanted to get these babies out of me, and ASAP. My body surely couldn't handle being pregnant much longer.

I was being admitted to the hospital again, and waiting on blood work to come back to see if I was going to be induced. The protein in my urine was significantly higher than last week, according to my OB. And clearly things weren't getting better with everything else. I waited to be wheeled over to the hospital, yet again, this time hoping I wouldn't be leaving until the babies were here.

A couple hours after being in the L&D wing of the hospital, my BP was only getting worse. And, I was actually having contractions. As much as they hurt, I was glad! Maybe this meant the babies were coming. My nurse and OB said that they wouldn't stop labor if it happened, so I was hoping and praying that this was it. But, it wasn't. My contractions stopped and I was just back to being miserable for what felt like no reason.

They were doing another 24-hour urine test like they had done last time I was here to check the extent of the protein level. The blood work came back "normal" according to them. But, it didn't make sense to me. How could everything else be so extremely abnormal, and my blood work say everything was fine?

I tried sleeping, but was unsuccessful. I'd given up on them trying to get rid of my headache, as clearly nothing had helped up to this point. Why put medicine into my body if it's not doing a damn thing? It could only harm me, or worse, the twins. I wasn't about to let that happen.

The next morning, after spending the night alone in the hospital, the morning nurse came in to check on me. The OB on the floor had ordered for my weight to be checked, and overnight, less than 24 hours, I had gained another 5 pounds! Was this going to be a sign for them to finally do as I'd been asking and induce me? This couldn't be healthy, or normal.

I was told for sure they'd be keeping me at least another night, but at this point they wanted the babies to stay in longer because I wasn't 37 weeks yet and my blood counts were still looking good. How could I possibly stay pregnant and like this, or worse, for another 3 weeks almost?

My mom came up to Portland to stay with me so at least for now I didn't have to be alone. If the babies weren't coming, and there was no plan for induction, she'd have to go back home on Sunday night. Until then, though, we watched more TV than she's watched in probably her whole life. And yes, you may have guessed, a LOT of Say Yes to the Dress. At least now I know what kind of wedding dress I'll want, if I ever get married. There was SOMETHING positive out of all this pain and suffering.

Getting prepared, as much as possible

After two days at the hospital, a completed 24-hour urine test, and not too bad of hospital food, I was sent home. My OB said that my blood work and urine test came back "normal" and she was ruling out preeclampsia.

If this was the case, why did I still have a headache? Why was my blood pressure still elevated, and why was I still swollen like a cow? I wasn't convinced, but I was glad to be out of the hospital.

I knew that while I still had time, I needed to get myself prepared for when I actually delivered the twins. That meant shopping for some travel size toiletries and getting some comfortable nightgowns to wear at the hospital. I was not about to wear a hospital gown the whole time, like I had to these last couple days.

After that was taken care of, I felt a little bit better. I knew that I surely wasn't going anywhere without that hospital bag, since clearly I didn't know when I would be admitted to the hospital again.

So, I was prepared, or somewhat. At least I had a bag packed and ready for the hospital. Emotionally, though, that was a different story.

I wrote this on my mom group on July 18th:

I am seriously miserable. I'm in tears because I'm so damn uncomfortable. It hurts to walk, to bend down to sit, to stand up from the toilet, to sleep, to do anything.

I feel useless because I can't take care of Peyton, my house is a disaster and all I want are for these babies to come out. 

It was one of the worst feelings ever. I could barely take care of myself because everything hurt SO bad. The doctors didn't seem to care that I had a headache that wouldn't go away. While I was at the hospital they threw all sorts of medicine my way to try and relieve the pain, but nothing helped. Morphine every two hours didn't even make a dent in the pain. I could barely sleep because it was uncomfortable, for one, and for two my head was constantly throbbing. What had I gotten myself into? And why didn't anyone seem to care? 

Hospital, again!

July 12th came and I was ready for my OB visit. I was just over 33 weeks pregnant. If you remember, I'd gained 6 pounds in about a week at my last appointment. I was hoping, just maybe, that I wouldn't have gained any more since then. Boy was I wrong. Up another 8 pounds! 14 pounds in just over two weeks. This was getting ridiculous.

My swelling hadn't decreased by any means, and clearly that was what most of the weight gain was coming from. I was drinking as much water as I could, but it seemed my body was simply holding onto it.

When I got to the appointment they asked me the standard questions I was used to by now. Have you experienced a headache recently? Why yes, for about a week now. Have you noticed any swelling? Um... can't YOU notice it? Have you had any blurred vision? Yes... And your BP seems to be elevated as well. I had a feeling I was answering the questions in all the wrong ways.

My OB came in and was pretty concerned with how I'd answered the questions. All of the symptoms I had were all indications of preeclampsia. From my understanding of preeclampsia at the time, that meant GET THE BABY(IES) OUT! I thought I'd be super excited about that because I was completely miserable. But, when my OB said she wanted me to be admitted to Labor & Delivery ASAP, I got more scared than I thought possible.

I cried, and cried and cried some more waiting for the transport over to the hospital. Thankfully, my OB's office was in the same parking lot as the hospital and the transport simply meant a wheelchair. I was still pretty panicked when they got there, and when I got settled into my room. My OB had ordered a 24-hour urine test to check the level of protein in my urine, as my dipstick test had shown a good amount. Yet another sign of preeclampsia. If the test came back that the level was too high, I could be having the babies tomorrow.

I was all by myself, as I usually was at these appointments, and didn't have my phone charger with me. I had NOTHING with me for that matter. I hadn't packed for the hospital yet, because I assumed I had more time. And I was all the way up in Portland, where the rest of my family was down in Corvallis. I HATE hospitals, as most people do, and being alone made it that much worse. Why had I decided to do this while single? Why, why, why? I couldn't think rationally at this point.

I asked my OB what her thoughts were on calling E & S, because of course they would want to be here if the babies were coming. She suggested not jumping the gun, because the urine test could come back perfectly normal tomorrow. So, I waited... anxiously. But, I waited nonetheless. I had no other choice, really.

Camping and Pregnancy: seemed like a good idea at first

I'd been back to work just about a month, but it was time for a break. My sister and her friends were going camping for the 4th of July and I thought that'd be a good break from the real world.

On the 3rd, I'd scheduled a non-stress test and an office visit with my OB. Up until this point, I had only gained 20 pounds in the pregnancy. Awesome, right? Until I stepped on the scale that day. I was up 6 pounds just from my last visit not much more than a week ago. Yikes!

They did an ultrasound and non-stress test and the babies looked fantastic. Aside from the fact that between the two of them they already weighed a little bit over 9 pounds! WHOA! That's a LOT of baby. More than I'd carried my whole pregnancy with Peyton, since he was only 7 lb 14 oz when he was born at 41 weeks. That might explain all that weight gain.

I was cleared to go camping, although my OB said I was crazy! I'd done it while I was pregnant with Peyton, it wouldn't be too hard! (I hoped.)

First day of camping, and boy was it nice to be away from the "real world." No cell phone service meant no Facebook notifications, no emails, and nothing to worry about. Or so I thought.

After just one day of being there (and I'm positive it was not the cause) I started to swell up a LOT in my feet and ankles. And let me assure you, I was by no means out hiking a mountain or running around. I was CAMPING for goodness sake. For pregnant me, that meant watching the kids run around and sitting by the campfire all day hoping I'd get the sympathy I needed from my sister to not have to do much. It worked, thankfully. But, even the slightest amount of time standing, including walking a little bit to the bathroom, my feet got even worse. I had to prop my feet as often as I could, but this was getting absolutely uncomfortable. I had had swelling with Peyton, but only a few days before I had delivered.

By the time I returned home from camping, I was even more miserable. My toes were so chubby I could barely move them. Thankfully I had another scheduled appointment with the OB to check on things, because I was convinced as "normal" as swelling was, this was not.

Back to the grind

After all the time I had been on bed rest, in and out of the ER, and just feeling downright miserable, my doctor determined that I could actually go back to work. She limited to me 4 hours a day maximum with a 15 minute break in between. And I was to remain seated for most of my scheduled shift. (I knew already that this was not likely.)

Could this really be happening? Was I really going back to work? Although I was glad to finally get some social interaction, May 27th was one of the hardest days in my pregnancy so far. Yes, even with all that I'd been through thus far.

At least I looked cute... somewhat. You can be the judge:

I was going to a new branch, where I knew absolutely no one. As outgoing as I may seem, I was scared to death. No one here knew my story, but it was obvious I was pregnant. Do I tell them I'm a surrogate and open a book of worms? Or do I just go with the fact that these are my twins I'm carrying? That's what I did in public most of the time.

No, they might realize after me coming back from maternity leave that I didn't have all these pictures of babies, and that I wasn't nearly as tired as a new mom with twins would be. Eventually, I would have to tell them the truth. But, to customers, these were my babies. It was hard enough being out in public, clearly pregnant, and not having a wedding ring on my finger. I was not about to go into the lengthy story that I was a part of.

After a week or so back at work, I was starting to get the hang of not laying in bed all day. I had some good interactions with my coworkers, and really started becoming friends with one in particular. I likely wouldn't have gotten through my days without her. Thanks Ashley!

I finally opened up and told the girls at work that I wasn't having the twins for me, but for a couple from France. I left out most of the details, but at least they knew they weren't mine.

The staying seated for the 4 hours thing was NOT working, although like I said I knew it wasn't likely. I was constantly standing and walking around the branch the whole time. The only time I was seated was the short periods of time I was helping a customer. By the end of my 4 hours, I was exhausted and ready to sleep the remainder of the day. If I kept this up, it wouldn't be good for my pregnancy. We'd see how long it would be before my OB took me off again.