Where am I now?

Sitting outside in the sun and holding my iPad, I realize that it's been almost 2 years since the twins were born and almost as long since I have written anything on here.

Where am I now? Where are the twins? How have I coped with the whole surrogacy?

I realize, also, that there are parts of my story I never got around to writing about. Or maybe I intentionally left those parts out for fear of having to face them head on. It is more likely the latter.

So here I am. Willing to finish my story, and in need of an outlet for the emotions I still carry even after all this time. Will I be able to write it all today? Not likely. But where I'll start will have you wanting to keep reading. And it will give me a reason to keep writing.

If you have read along up until now, you know that I gave birth to the twins on July 24, 2012. Wow. Just typing that date makes it seem like it was an eternity ago. The story didn't end there. In fact, it was only another beginning.

Due to my high blood pressure and need for a blood transfusion prior to delivery, I was kept in the hospital for a few days for monitoring. I was finally able to go home that Friday afternoon.

Leaving the hospital was harder than anything I'd done up to this point. The nurse sent my mom downstairs to pull the car up to the main entrance of the hospital and she would wheel me down to meet her. I was beyond excited to leave the hospital as I had been there far too long, I missed my own bed,and most of all I missed my little boy. This whole journey had taken away a lot of time for the two of us.

As the nurse was wheeling me out of my room, the flood of emotions came and it came so quickly I could barely handle it. I was trying, but failing miserably, at keeping the tears at bay. But the nurse, God love her, was only making it worse. She knew I had been a surrogate, and was asking a million and one questions about how I was feeling. I wanted to tell her to shut up, as now was not the appropriate time for these questions, but I didn't have it in me.

By the time we were to the ground floor and heading towards the doors, I had no more fight in me. My face was soaked from the tears, and I couldn't bring myself to respond to anymore of her questions. I just wanted to go back upstairs, where the twins still were, and cuddle them. I wanted them to be with me as I was leaving. The normal way things worked. I came to this hospital carrying two babies inside of me, and I was leaving empty handed. It didn't feel right.

The drive home was even more difficult. My mom drove, of course, and I sat in the passenger seat sobbing. The sobbing would stop for a few minutes, I'd gain some control, and then it would start all over again. My poor mom, driving and unable to console me, I'm sure she was crying as well. But I couldn't look at her, I could barely stand the glimpse of myself I'd catch in the side mirror as I was staring out the window.

The normally hour long drive home felt like it took an eternity. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to think, or feel; I just wanted to go home, crawl in my bed and wake up many hours later.

When I got home, it was like walking into a place I hadn't been in years. It felt like so long since I had been somewhere that didn't have the brightest white walls and alarms going off through all hours of the night. My apartment was a disaster, as I hadn't been in any shape to clean or do laundry for nearly my entire pregnancy. Thank goodness for my mom, because she would soon remedy that.

I don't remember much of that night, aside from the hours I spent sleeping. Or the time between my slumbers where I cried. Sobbed. And I remember my mom checking on me often.

I finally mustered up the energy for a shower. Thank God for the bench seats in my master bathroom because I wouldn't have lasted long standing. It was the best feeling in the world. Sitting in the shower, hotter than it probably should have been, and washing away all of the smells of the hospital. All of the uncomfortable gowns, the horribly thin sheets and uncomfortable pillows. All of it down the drain. I just wished I could wash away the pain and feeling off loss I couldn't shake.

Tomorrow I was to face the world again. My sisters were to come visit and get me back into a normal swing of things. Distract me from what I had just gone through. What happened the next day, though, no one could have expected.