So this is "normal" you say?

It'd been 3 days since my ultrasound confirming twins. Morning sickness had already started to make itself known. I had forgotten just how much I hate throwing up. Aside from the morning sickness, I was having to get used to being extra tired. The 1st trimester seems to do that. It wasn't like my body was doing all sorts of extra work or anything to keep two additional beings alive or anything.

My boss was having a get together at his house for all of the Store (Branch) managers in the district that night. Even as tired as I was from the extra pressure from January at work, I knew I had to be there. Plus, it'd be a nice little escape to laugh and enjoy other people's company.

Not too long after arriving though, I knew something was wrong. I felt cramps again and what I thought was more blood. I excused myself to the restroom, trying not to look like I was panicking, and sure enough I was bleeding. A LOT of blood, again. This couldn't be NORMAL. There was no way.

I didn't want to worry too much, because after all just three days ago Dr. Hesla said that it was normal. I thought maybe it would be just that episode of bleeding and it'd be done, but after returning to the "party" for not much more than 10 minutes I could tell it was going to be a long night. More blood. I didn't want to alert everyone else in the room what was going on, so I tried to act like I was okay. Thankfully the party was winding down. I left when everyone else did and immediately called ORM.

I spoke to a different doctor, one who I had never worked with before, and she informed me that I should go straight home and be on bed rest through Monday. I was to call Monday to inform of any changes, etc. Why weren't these people more concerned? Didn't they want to see me this time? Or at least soon? I suppose they know more about this stuff, but I couldn't help but worry that they missed something the first ultrasound. I couldn't imagine being on bed rest that night and for 4 more days just waiting for something to happen. I would be going crazy, for sure, and my mind would easily wander back to the hypochondriac thoughts of all that could be wrong.

Twins!

On January 2, I went in for my appointment at 9am. I was beyond nervous. The bleeding from the day before had stopped, thankfully, but I couldn't stop thinking about how much blood there was first thing yesterday morning. There was no way that I was still pregnant, I just knew it. And if I was, something had to be terribly wrong. All the positivity I had earlier yesterday, had gone out the window.

I got to my appointment early, I wanted to know what was going on. NOW. I was still sort of angry that I wasn't asked to come in yesterday. So many things could be going wrong, or could have gone wrong even yesterday. Was I not accurate enough in describing HOW MUCH blood I had lost?

I waited not-so-patiently for the nurse to call me back. I thought maybe I needed to have a full bladder for the ultrasound, so I had been drinking a lot of water that morning. I was ready for this to be over with, so I could start the mourning process and figure out how to tell the two sweetest men in the world that we'd have to try again.

Finally, the nurse called me back to the room and asked if I had an empty bladder. Wait, did she just say EMPTY? No, it was NOT empty. Apparently, though, it needed to be. Thank goodness! I went to the restroom, and then into my room and undressed per her instructions. This early, they do "internal ultrasounds" since the baby(ies) are so small.

After what seemed like forever, as the whole morning seemed to be crawling, the doctor came in to start the ultrasound. But first, he said something that confused me to death. Yesterday, when I had spoken to him on the phone I told him that I was 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant. My LMP (last menstrual period) was Nov. 16th. That made sense, I even checked it online! But he said, "It looks like you're really only 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant." What? I knew what my LMP was, this didn't make sense!

Because of the IVF, they didn't go based on the LMP apparently. They go based on the date of the embryo transfer and some other calculations that to this day, I still don't understand. Whatever, I thought, can we just get the ultrasound started? And so we did.

On came the tears, but not for the reason I thought I'd be crying today. TWINS!!!! Embryo "A" and Embryo "B" as the doctor referred to them. Two STRONG, healthy heartbeats. Then why had I been bleeding? That couldn't be normal. According to Dr. Hesla, the doctor on call that day, it was more normal in early pregnancy because it was twins. I felt SO much better. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wouldn't have to tell E & S bad news today, but the BEST news they will have had so far this whole time. They were going to have TWINS. Two babies! I still couldn't get over seeing two babies on that ultrasound.

Both babies were measuring exactly 5 weeks and 6 days along, and he could see no cause for the bleeding. It was all "normal." They would do another ultrasound in about a week to confirm that the twins were growing at the right rate, but he was certain there was nothing to be worried about.

I couldn't wait to email E & S. I had the good news I needed, I was ready to leave the office and spread the word!

My email to E & S, once I could finally send it, was pretty long. I had to explain to them why I had gone in for an ultrasound earlier than scheduled. I made sure to emphasize that everything was ok, though, and that they were going to have two babies to play with in about 34 weeks!

Their response made all that anxiety worth it:

"we read your email this morning and we shed our tears, we are so pleased with this good news."


Two babies. Two heartbeats, twin siblings. It was definitely a moment for tears. Joyous ones.

Not so happy New Years

For New Years Eve, I went out with a friend to watch another friend's band play at a bar in Portland. I drank soda water and cranberry all night, looking like I "fit in" with everyone else. I may be pregnant at this point, but it was certainly not obvious!

It was a fun night, but I was exhausted shortly after midnight and we headed home. To sleep I went, hoping to wake to a nice relaxing day. That was not the case.

I woke up after "sleeping in" for a bit, having been up late, and immediately I knew something was wrong. I felt sick, and had what felt like menstrual cramps. It wasn't until I stood up to go to the bathroom that I understand the cramping. My pants were immediately soaked with blood. My heart sank, all the way down to my feet it felt like. I waddled the rest of the way to the bathroom only to have more bleeding. This couldn't be happening. I had taken all of my medication like I was supposed to. I hadn't been running marathons or anything crazy, not like I would do that normally anyway. I had been resting, after all this pregnancy was already starting to remind me of the 1st trimester fatigue.

I had stayed at a friends that night, and barely said goodbye. I think I was able to mutter "I have to go to the doctor." And that was it.

My blood soaked pants and I basically ran to the car as I was dialing the number for ORM. It was a Sunday, were they even open? I thought I remembered something about an after hours number, though. I got the on call receptionist and explained to her what was going on. She said she'd have the on call doctor call me. It wasn't Dr. Bankowksi, but I just needed to talk to someone! Did I need to be going to the ER? Did I need to drive up there to ORM? I just needed direction.

When the doctor called back I explained to him that I was 6 weeks 4 days pregnant (according to the date of my last menstrual period) and had experienced a LOT of bleeding. I was driving, but certain that I was still bleeding. I was completely confused when he told me to go home and be on bed rest for the rest of the day. What do you mean I don't need to come in? Don't I need to be seen like RIGHT NOW? I was BLEEDING!!! Pregnancy and bleeding don't usually mix!

My ultrasound wasn't scheduled until January 5th, but he thought it would be a good idea to have one sooner. Because the 1st was on a Sunday, they were operating the 2nd as if it were a holiday. Just like my work was. He said though, that they could see patients if necessary and would squeeze me in. 9am tomorrow we would find out what was going on. This was going to be the longest day ever. The hypochondriac in me wanted to be seen at the ER. All I could think was, I just lost the baby or babies. E & S are going to be absolutely devastated. How could I explain this to them? Do I need to email them right now and tell them I'm bleeding but won't know why until tomorrow? Or do I wait and let them know after the appointment? This wasn't anywhere in the contract or any "surrogacy manual." Not like a manual for this existed.

I got home and went straight to bed, still freaking out inside and not knowing what to do. After talking to my mom and sister, I decided that I would wait until tomorrow to email E & S. If in fact something were wrong, I'd want to be able to tell them what it was. And, if nothing was wrong, I didn't want them worrying until tomorrow like I already was. Enough for all of us.

The rational side of me kept telling myself that sometimes in early pregnancy your body doesn't know that you're pregnant yet and can still have one last period. I had gotten pregnant a rather scientific way, rather than the normal. Maybe this was my bodys way of saying it was confused! That was what I tried to focus on, as I certainly wasn't able to sleep. Only time would tell what was really going on.

What the heck is hCG?

Having been pregnant before, you'd think I'd know what hCG was or how to measure it, etc. You'd think wrong. When I was pregnant with Peyton, I knew that I was pregnant within seconds by the two lines on the pregnancy test. I knew that I'd be pregnant for 40 weeks, 10 months even though all the time you hear that it lasts 9 months. Those people are wrong.

I knew what a contraction felt like by about 36 weeks into my pregnancy, and 3 days after the 40 week mark (my due date) I knew what it felt like to give birth. If you asked me much more than that, other than what I couldn't eat during pregnancy, I didn't know. I am the type of person that will start turning into a hypochondriac if I am too educated on certain things. I tried to avoid reading all about pregnancy because there is SO much that can go wrong. No matter if you get pregnant via IVF or the "normal" way.

Having said that, now that I actually know what hCG is, I'm still not freaking out and thinking about the millions of things that could go wrong. It is probably the simplest thing to understand.

In short, hCG is a hormone that is elevated during pregnancy. Its what causes the little two lines on the pregnancy test to appear, if your levels are high enough.

When I went in for my blood test on the 19th, my hCG level was about 152. This confirmed the pregnancy.

I had another blood draw on the 21st to re-confirm pregnancy and make sure that my hCG level was rising. (Apparently this is what it's supposed to do throughout the pregnancy. My knowledge was still pretty minimal.)

Carrie called me a couple hours after my blood draw that day to let me know that the results looked great, my hCG level had increased to 407. It had more than doubled in just 2 days! Because my knowledge was bare minimum, like I said, I did some googling to research what that meant. (Not always the best idea, but I was curious!)

Basically, the higher the hCG level the more likely it is that there is more than one baby growing in there. This wasn't 100% accurate, as there have been many times where women still only had one baby and the hCG was the same as someone who was having twins. What they look at the most, though, is how rapidly the level itself increases. Like I said, mine had more than doubled in 2 days! I was hopeful that meant there were still two babies growing in there! Carrie even said there was a "good chance" that it meant there were twins. I hadn't had any bleeding or anything since the transfer, so that was also a good sign. We would do an ultrasound January 5th to check heart rate and the number of babies. I tried not to get too excited by this little number that I really knew nothing about, but E & S wanted twins SO BADLY and I wanted to be able to help give them that. Plus, how cool is it to be able to say that you've carried twins? Double the fun, right? (I may regret saying this later.)

Am I Pregnant?

On December 19, I went in for the long awaited appointment to confirm pregnancy. I ran over to ORM before work (8am) since it was only a few minutes down the road and got a blood draw. I was so used to this by now, I could barely feel the poke of the needle. My arm was like a pin cushion. 

I realized they had to send the blood work to the lab, but I wanted to know NOW! Home pregnancy tests only took 3 minutes and then you knew! I headed back to work and waited for the phone to ring. And waited some more. 

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I decided to just call Carrie at ORM myself. I was sick of waiting! It was already 11am at this point.

She could tell how anxious I was when she answered the phone and said that she was still waiting for some of the blood work to come back from the lab, but... she could at least tell me that it was POSITIVE!! I was pregnant! I immediately started crying, I was so happy for E & S it was indescribable. Carrie said she'd call me back later to discuss more of the blood results, like my estradiol levels, etc.

As soon as we hung up, I called my mom. She'd been waiting almost as impatiently as I had. I told her the good news, then went down the line of calling my sisters to let them know too. This was all SO real now. After all this hard work, all of these injections (which I still had to continue for awhile) and every emotion that went into this, we were finally pregnant! 

I sat down at my computer at work and sent a quick email to E & S. I had sent them one shortly after I got back from the blood draw and told them I was just waiting for a phone call. This email was much more exciting! 

"We're PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SO EXCITED for you two!!!!"

That's all the email said. I liked to get straight to the point! Their response caused even more tears to roll down my face:

"OH MY GOD ! This day arrive !

we are very very happy , you can imagine, it s an amazing day, night for us, we think about you....

have a great day, for us this night will not be like the other one , we are on the top of the sky and paradise...."

We are on top of the sky and paradise. I read that line over and over, and I was again reassured that this was the right thing. I couldn't see their face, or the tears probably rolling out of their eyes, but their explanation, even in the choppy English translation from French, was perfect. I can only imagine how they will feel when they hold their baby(ies) for the first time. 

One Embryo, Two Embryos

The day was FINALLY here. December 11, 2011. My mom and Penny were going to accompany me for the big event. My mom's husband dropped her off at my house bright and early, and we headed up to Portland. Penny was already in Vancouver, so she would meet us there!

I had to have a full bladder for the procedure, so at 8:15am, an hour before my appointment, I had to stop drinking anything but clear liquid. I got a hot chocolate at Dutch Brothers on the way up there, and brought along some water bottles as well. I was dreading the clock turning 8:15 only because I absolutely hate drinking plain water, and I knew what it was like to have a full bladder and have to hold it in. I nearly peed myself when I was waiting for my 20 week ultrasound with Peyton because of how full my bladder was.

We got to ORM early, as usual, and I checked in. My bladder didn't feel very full at this point, although I had drank a lot of water. So, I kept drinking. And drinking... The wait for them to call me back seemed like an eternity. I took that time to update my Facebook status as "Busy getting pregnant!" Not normally something one would post for her friends to see, but I wasn't doing the actual deed that most people do to get pregnant!

Finally, the nurse called me back to my waiting room where I would take a Valium and get relaxed before they did the embryo transfer. I got to wear some pretty sweet blue booties and a cap. Here's a picture for your amusement:

By the time they took me back for the embryo transfer, I was in serious pain from how full my bladder was. I told the nurse, and she said it was possible I had overfilled it (I agreed!) so she would have Dr. Bankowski check it and I could possibly "release" some before they did the transfer.

I was bummed because my Mom and Penny had to wait in my "room" while I went in for the procedure, but I was assured I'd be back soon!

Dr. Bankowski confirmed that indeed I had overfilled my bladder. Trust me, I was feeling it! So I was able to go to the bathroom, but only a dixie cup size amount. They even gave me a dixie cup to fill so I could measure.

Once that was over with, I was back on what felt like an operating table. The most amazing part of this all was not how quickly the procedure went, but being able to see the two embryos before they were implanted. Science is so awesome!

The procedure went rather quickly, and Dr. Bankowski said it went great! I had to lie still for a certain period of time before I could get up and leave. Or before I could release the rest of the water in my bladder which by this point, even with the dixie cup amount I got to go, seemed like it was going to explode.

After waiting forever, I went to the restroom and then was given instructions from the Dr and taken down to my car via wheelchair. Bed rest for the rest of the day and all day tomorrow. I was to get up ONLY to use the restroom, and nothing more. My mom was staying with me today and tomorrow to help with meals, etc.

On the way home, E & S called me on Skype! Both of them were crying and so extremely excited that this step in the process was finally done! They said I looked great, but I remember being VERY loopy. It was the Valium finally taking full effect. We didn't talk long, but they told me they were thinking of me and to rest up.

We would have a blood test to confirm pregnancy in just over a week on the 19th. That would really make all of this real.

When we were finally home, I slept for quite some time. The Valium was definitely working its magic. Once I finally had to get up to use the bathroom, I was beyond nervous that I would move too quickly or do something that would ruin the embryo transfer. I didn't want them to just fall out! I mastered the "rolling out of bed" trick and tried just to sleep as much as possible. Mom was great making me dinner and bringing me anything and everything I needed. My new Kindle Fire to read on, the TV remote, food, water, more food.

I was so anxious for it to be December 19th so we could know for sure that I was pregnant, and then for the ultrasound to confirm if it was still twins. This was going to be the longest week yet.

Cold Feet

I haven't admitted this until now, only to my mommy group. But on December 6, 5 days before my scheduled embryo transfer I had what I will now call "cold feet."

Up until this point, I had been concentrating so much on taking the medication on time, making sure that I was physically healthy and ready to be pregnant. All I could talk about was getting pregnant, ask anyone who was around me. I was excited and couldn't wait to finally be pregnant and give E & S everything they wanted. Yes, I was worried a little about the what if's after the embryo transfer, but all in all I was simply excited.

Until that night. All I could think about was the one thing I guess subconsciously I was avoiding talking about. What was going to happen after the baby(ies) were born?

I had talked about this with E & S multiple times, and with Sandy at NWSC. But only sort of. We talked about how we would definitely keep in touch after the babies were born, how they would come to Portland and visit because it was a special place for them and they wanted to be able to share that with their children. We even talked about how I can come visit in Paris! (The best idea yet.) I will always have a part in their lives. I will have helped create their family, even if I weren't genetically part of the babies.

We never talked about the immediately after giving birth part. The part where I would be handing over one, maybe two babies to someone else and saying "see you later." It wouldn't be goodbye, but it wasn't like I would be able to see them whenever I want. Paris is a LONG ways away.

For some reason, this was the part that I couldn't keep my mind off of that night. I cried so much worrying about if I were making the right decision, if I could REALLY handle all of this. Even though I'd been saying for months it would be no big deal, it was a HUGE deal. I let all of the comments from others affect me. My dad saying not to do it, the failed relationship I'd had because of all this, everything that was trying to stop me from going through with it all. What if they turned out to be right?

After crying myself to sleep that night, I realized that it was nothing more than a normal reaction to all that was going on. Because I hadn't let myself even fathom that part of this it had all built up and hit me at once. This was and IS a very real thing. But I had made up my mind and I knew that this was what I wanted to do. I wasn't going to lie to myself and say that it was going to be easy, because I knew that it wouldn't be. But it was a decision I believed in whole-heartedly. I just needed to emotionally process the big day that was almost here. Women get cold feet before weddings, men too. I apparently get cold feet before getting pregnant.

Change in plans

Everything was going well with my hormone injections, and by this time (December 2011) I was a PRO at giving myself shots. I even sucked it up and gave myself the Delestrogen, which goes in your "upper buttocks" to put it properly. Yes, I have been giving myself injections in the butt! How crazy is all this?

Based on the original calendar, aligned with the calendar for the egg donor, our embryo transfer was tentatively scheduled for the 13th or 14th of December. I would have to be on bed rest the remainder of the day directly after the transfer was complete, and then the following day. I already had fixed the schedule at work to make sure that I could be gone two days without problem, and I was just counting down the days until that week. I couldn't believe that we were SO close to the "big day" as I had been waiting for this for what seemed like forever. July... December, same thing right?

On December 4th, I got the best phone call ever (at this point). Some lady from ORM, who I can't remember her name for the life of me (not my regular POC Carrie), called me around noon that day. When I saw the phone number pop up on my phone, I'm not going to lie I was completely nervous. As you all know, there have been so many things that have pushed this embryo transfer back thus far, I just had a feeling that this was going to be another little thing to cause us to have to wait even longer. It was not one of those things. 

"Hi Samantha, this is (insert name here) from ORM. I just wanted to let you know that it looks like the egg retrieval for the donor (this is where I started panicking) will actually happen two days earlier than planned!" It takes me a second to really comprehend what she just said, but I finally was able to spit out, "So that means the embryo transfer will happen sooner as well?" Her answer was YES!!! Ahh I couldn't contain my excitement. The embryo transfer would happen this Sunday, December 11th! Oh my goodness!

The first thing I did after hanging up the phone was call my mom, who didn't answer. So, as I always do, I tried my sister Sarah next. (Maybe she knew where Mom was, and I could tell her the good news too!) It just so happened that ALL of my sisters, well, most of them, were together and had me on speaker phone. So I shared what I thought was the most exciting news thus far in this whole thing, and got absolutely no excitement in return. None. They were more concerned with the fact that I would be missing Sunday dinner that week, and it was my time to buy groceries. I felt shattered inside. 

Hoping to turn around this horrible feeling I had, I tried my mom again. She finally answered, and her main concern was getting a car to get up here for the transfer. No excitement in her voice either. What was wrong with these people? My FAMILY?! I couldn't call E &S, because... well, it was Paris we were talking about but I needed someone to be as ecstatic as I was. I was getting pregnant in ONE WEEK!!! 

Finally, I got some excitement but it wasn't from my family. My "Mom Group" as I call them to everyone else, AKA a group of moms I met online back when I was pregnant with Peyton and we have kept in touch this whole time and now my best friends. They were certain to be excited for me. And I was right! Thank goodness for them. 

The next day, December 5th, Carrie from ORM called me to confirm I had received the news about the change in dates and also inform me that she needed to send me an updated calendar. I posted about this in my "Mom Group" on Facebook that day:

Tonight I started Progesterone which is a hormone that helps with early pregnancy, according to my little medication list. I feel like that is the definition of all the medication I'm on, but obviously they all must do different things. 

Along with the Progesterone, on Mondays and Fridays I take Delestrogen. I swear the needles on these things are GIGANTIC and scare me every time, but somehow I get through it. It's funny, they say "these medications can be self administered, but it's best to have someone there to help you." Yes, it probably would be BEST if someone were here to help, but I have NO ONE because all of my friends that I trust to help with such things are on opposite schedules of me. So, I give myself an injection in my "upper buttocks" twice a week up til now, and now EVERY DAY. I must say I'm pretty surprised at myself that I have made it through all these shots. The Lupron (which I was taking daily in my stomach, and through an insulin syringe) was a piece of cake. These guys, are a little more tricky. And... not to gross anyone out but the liquid is probably the THICKEST stuff in the world. It takes FOREVER to finish the shot because it just won't go fast at all. A very thick liquid going through a very small needle. 

I go in tomorrow for a blood draw, and then start an antibiotic and some other medication via pill as well. Then Sunday, the BIG day happens at about 9:15am. They will give me a Valium before the transfer, and then I'm on bed rest the rest of the day and for the next 24 hours. So I will miss only Monday from work, and back to myself again afterwards. 

If we're being honest... I'm getting EXTREMELY nervous as time gets closer to the transfer. I worry something will go wrong and I will have a miscarriage, or the transfer won't stick, or all sorts of things! I'm saying lots of prayers hoping that it all works out perfect. 

The truth was, I was nervous beyond belief. Yes, excited because the big day was just around the corner, but now I kept thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I had to tell myself to focus on the positive, and that everything happens for a reason. If the embryo transfer didn't take, they would try again. If I had a miscarriage, we would try again. E & S would have a baby or babies one way or another. 

Hot Flashes and more!

Five days into my hormone injections and I have my first hot flash. Is this what menopausal women go through all the time? It was HORRIBLE. I felt like I needed to strip completely naked and jump in a bath full of ice.

I laugh, looking back at my Facebook status from this day because it documented yet another moment of laughter brought to us by my mom's husband. I was at family dinner that day, being as it was a Sunday, and when the hot flash came, everyone knew. My mom's husband, as oblivious as he is most of the time (even though he was FULLY aware of the fact that I was on hormone injections and about to be a surrogate...) said, "Aren't you a little young to be having hot flashes?" You think!?

This day (November 13, 2011) was also the day clearly marked on my handy dandy calendar as the day "ABSTINENCE BEGINS." In smaller print under that, "Last birth control pill." No more sex until after confirmed pregnancy. This is where Amy Poehler's character in Baby Mama clearly didn't listen! I was not about to let that happen to me.

I was expected to start my period in just a few days, potentially the last period I would have for 10 months. (Yes people, pregnancy actually lasts 10 months). I was supposed to let Carrie at ORM know when my period started, and lo and behold, like clockwork, my period came on November 16th.

I had a blood test at ORM on the 18th to check on my estradiol levels, and all looked great. We were getting closer and closer to the day of the embryo transfer. I still couldn't believe this was actually happening. We were actually less than a month away from potentially getting pregnant, after all these months of waiting. After all those months of me doubting it was ever going to happen, with all of the speed bumps we had along the way. Now just to try and be patient and enjoy the time I had not pregnant for the next few weeks, where I wasn't throwing up or having trouble sleeping. It'd been awhile since I was pregnant with Peyton but the 1st trimester always seems to be the worst.

Here...We...Go!

November 9, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I officially started my hormone injections tonight! I met Carrie at ORM after work and she gave me my first injection of Lupron. This is the one I have to take EVERY day, but it is just a small injection in an insulin syringe. It seemed pretty easy, but Carrie gave me the first injection so we will see how things go after tonight! The girls say I'm now officially banned from their houses. They have been watching too much Private Practice and have seen how Addision reacted to the hormones."


This was REALLY, FINALLY happening. I received my calendar and all my medication from Carrie that day and she gave me my first injection just to show me how it was done. The other medications I will take are done exactly the same was as the Delestrogen was during my 'mock cycle' so she didn't really have to teach me that again. The Lupron was to be taken every night at the same time, and injected into my stomach. Pretty much like a diabetic taking insulin would do.

Along with my Lupron injections, I have to start taking a daily prenatal vitamin and a baby Aspirin (81mg). And for the next week and a half I am also on an antibiotic (Doxycycline) which I had taken before for the HSG procedure during the 'mock cycle'. I take that once in the morning and once at night. At this point, I'm still on birth control as well.

Here's a good picture of my daily routine:

Thankfully my calendar has little check boxes next to each thing I'm supposed to take or inject that day so that I can keep track. I can't believe all of the medication I am pumping into my body!

November 10, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I gave myself my first shot tonight. HOLY COW! That was so hard. It wasn't the actual shot that was difficult, just finding the courage to actually stab myself in the stomach with a needle. I applaud all those diabetics who have to do this all the time, I don't know how they do it."


As small as the needle was, and as little medication as I had to inject, I was scared beyond belief. One of my sisters was living with me at the time and she's more afraid of needles than I am. I may have 10 tattoos, but this was completely different. I didn't give those to myself!

After awhile of freaking out I finally just pinched up my skin and stabbed it. My biggest fear I think was putting the needle in too far, but it was done! Day two of calendar complete! Only about 30 days left until the tentative embryo transfer.

Chinese with the French

In October, E & S had to come to ORM to finish up everything necessary for the embryo transfer, which by the way got pushed back AGAIN due to issues with the other couple the egg donor was in cycle for.

We were now looking at a cycle at the end of November, early December. My patience was pretty much gone at this point and my attitude became "I'll believe it when it happens."

Thank goodness for a break in reality though, because E & S coming to ORM meant that I could see them again! This was October, it had been 7 months since I had first met them and so much had happened since then. I was beyond anxious for their arrival!

We had been emailing back and forth and determined that Sunday, October 9th would work best for both of our schedules to meet up for dinner in Portland. My mom and Peyton were to join me, and mom would finally get to meet these wonderful men I couldn't stop talking about.

While I was at work on the 6th, just a few days before our dinner, Sandy from NWSC called me. E & S were in her office and wondered if I had a couple minutes to talk! Um... YES! I don't care if I didn't have a couple minutes, I would make time!

I spoke with E, who still to this day does most of the talking between the two of them, and I could just hear the happiness in his voice. I wish you could have seen the smile on my face. I hadn't heard their voices since March and hadn't realized how much I missed them. We confirmed dinner at PF Changs in the Pearl for Sunday. As soon as I hung up the phone I burst in to tears. The tears were from pure happiness. How could I possibly LOVE two people so much whom I had only seen in person 2 times before? I was ready for it to be Sunday so I could hug them again! And don't forget the "French" kisses on both cheeks!

On Sunday, my mom, Peyton and I drove up to Portland and of course were beyond early. I figured we could walk around the Pearl a bit until it was time to meet up, maybe even stop by Powell's and get a book.

I pulled into the parking garage I tend to use when I'm out in the Pearl, and turned the corner to go down the long aisle of cars only to see what appeared to be two French men a few yards ahead. Ahh!! I couldn't contain my excitement. We pulled up, rolled down the window and said hello! I wanted to jump out of the car and hug them already! They said they would head up to the restaurant to get us a table. So I found a parking spot as quickly as I could and we headed up the elevator.

Waiting inside PF Changs, there they were! Hugs and "French" kisses on both cheeks and then we were seated. Dinner was perfect, I don't think I have eaten so much in my life! We shared a bottle of red wine, which I could still drink for just a bit longer, and talked all about the upcoming adventures that we were about to take. They had finished everything up at ORM so we were good to go on that end, and they asked my mom questions about me and her thoughts on this whole thing.

I don't think I have ever, ever felt so loved and highly regarded than I did that night. They kept praising me to my mom, telling her how wonderful of a daughter she had raised and how I was an angel to them. I'm sure my face was red the entire time from blushing so much. It was clear that I was helping to make all of their dreams come true, and it solidified exactly why I chose to do this whole thing in the first place. They hadn't even met their babies yet, but they were SO grateful for the opportunity to be parents, to have their own blood related children like any other normal family. This right here people, this was why no matter how many crude remarks or disapproving comments I have received from people, I had chosen to be a surrogate. No one could ever take this feeling away from me.

Signing my life away... or my body

August 23, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Got an email from Erin while at work today. We FINALLY have a contract to review, she just received it from E & S's lawyer. She emailed it over to me and we will have a meeting within a week or so to go over the contract in detail and make any revisions we sit fit. This is definitely the best news I have gotten in awhile." 


As good of news as this was, as soon as I opened the attached file in the email, I knew why it took forever for E & S to review. There was all sorts of legal terminology in the contract that didn't make sense, and things that I had never even thought of as well. Thank goodness for lawyers!

I read over the contract as best I could, and would likely reread it many times before actually meeting with Erin.

September 7, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I met with Erin today to review the contract and it makes so much more sense now. She deals with NWSC on a regular basis so she is quite familiar with what should and shouldn't be in the contract. Part of the contract itself makes both parties agree not to discuss the contract with any other parties, aside from NWSC and our lawyers. It all seems so secretive, but there are things that make sense. No one needs to know EXACTLY how much I am getting compensated for things, etc. Erin and I made some changes to the contract and she will send it over to E & S and their lawyer for review. Hopefully it is a quick OK from them and we can both sign!" 


The only contracts I have ever signed in my life are when buying cars. This was so completely different. I was just glad to know that I was able to make revisions, some VERY necessary based on work and my life, and hopefully they would agree.

September 14, 2011:

Journal entry:

"E & S agreed to the revisions! Erin sent me a final copy in my email that I printed and signed and faxed over to her. I have to send the original to her via UPS. I'm so glad this whole part is over with!"


I'd officially signed away my body to carry twins! Or at least that is the hope. Almost exactly 6 months after meeting E & S, it was crazy how much time had gone by and we were just now signing the contract. Hopefully now things would start moving along more quickly.

The Waiting Game

For those of you that know me, you'd know that patience is not my strong suit. Those that don't know me may have been able to pick up on some of that from my previous posts. Ever since I was matched with E & S I have wanted to get pregnant RIGHT AWAY. Although I knew that the plan was July, I was ready in March. I wanted to give them their family that they deserve, as they had been waiting a really long time for this.

After I completed the mock cycle, received the letters from the insurance stating that the pregnancy would be covered, things were good to go. Or so I thought. 

We were waiting on two things still. 1: The Contract still hadn't been signed. Signed, or even seen by me or my lawyer at this point. (We're talking mid July now.) E & S and their lawyer had been reviewing the contract for quite some time. There was of course the language barrier holding us back, but also the fact that insurance was so completely different in France than it is here. There was a lot to understand. And a lot that they had to take into consideration. As I have said before, it's not like they were buying a car or a house... they were trying to have BABIES. It's understandable for things to be confusing, but how were we supposed to be getting pregnant right now (as originally planned) if we hadn't even signed a contract? 

The second thing we were waiting on was the egg donor. At this point I hadn't heard anything back from Carrie at ORM. I knew that she was going through a mock cycle of sorts around the same time I was, and I finished mine weeks ago. What could be the hold up?

Since I knew that I couldn't really make E & S finish reviewing the contract sooner, I decided to focus my efforts on figuring out where we stood in the process for the embryo transfer. At least that could keep me from going crazy with no patience. 

I called Carrie, and emailed her. I heard nothing for days... sometimes over a week. What on Earth? I even called Sandy at NWSC to see if she had heard anything, or had any luck even getting in contact with Carrie. Things weren't like this when Joy was around, I ALWAYS knew what was going on. 

By the time I heard from Carrie, I knew she was annoyed with me. I wanted to be on top of things, if there was something else I needed to do I would do it. But, I couldn't know what I needed to do if I didn't hear from her. She informed me that the egg donor was actually in cycle with another family and that our embryo transfer would have to wait until after theirs was complete. 

How did I not know that she was in cycle with another family? Did E & S know this? Did Sandy know this? It seemed like Carrie was the only one who was aware. So it looked like we would be waiting even longer. Roughly, Carrie told me, we could probably start another cycle in September/October time frame. Guess I'd start a new countdown. 

Gestational vs. Traditional

I realized that I haven't officially covered the topic of whose eggs will be used when I get pregnant. I've called myself a gestational surrogate, but left it to assumption that everyone understands there are different types of surrogacy.

For those unfamiliar, I have borrowed the information from NWSC's FAQ page.

What’s the difference between gestational surrogacy and traditional surrogacy?

In a gestational surrogacy, embryos—consisting of eggs and sperm from the intended parents and/or from donors—are transferred to a surrogate via IVF (in vitro fertilization). The intended parents usually establish parental rights before the baby is born. NWSC works exclusively with gestational surrogacy.

In a traditional surrogacy, the surrogate’s own eggs are fertilized via artificial insemination with the sperm of a donor or an intended parent. The baby shares genetic material with the surrogate mother as well as with an intended parent or donor.

I like to put it that I am merely the womb, or incubator. My body is on loan, but in the end there is no genetic relation to me and the baby(ies). 

Being honest, as I always am, a gestational surrogate is the only type I could ever be. Knowing that I am in no way related to the baby(ies) I will carry is the only way that I will be able to get through the actual "giving up of the child(ren)" at the end of the pregnancy. 

As thankful I am for the many wonderful women who are able to donate eggs so that women like myself can carry them, I could never actually have a child out there that was mine, that I wasn't parenting.

So, since E & S are a same-sex couple and don't have eggs of their own, they have chosen an egg donor to be used. I don't know much of the process they went through in selecting an egg donor, but I know that it is completely different than the process of choosing a surrogate. They never met, nor ever will meet the egg donor. They see a picture, or pictures and get a piece of paper with information regarding the genetic background and any health issues. That's pretty much it. I could only imagine how difficult it would be. 

Fighting with Insurance

Not that insurance companies have ever been known to be "easy to work with" but I never thought that this part of the process would bring me such headaches!

At the end of May, Tabitha from NWSC sent me letters that I needed to sign and send to my insurance company, my HR department at work and the compensation and benefits department for work as well. 

Here is a copy of the letter:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am planning to serve as a gestational surrogate for an infertile couple, working with Northwest Surrogacy Center, LLC in Portland, Oregon. I would not be genetically related to the child, but would instead become pregnant through an in vitro fertilization/embryo transfer medical procedure. I plan to carry and give birth to the child, who will be raised by the intended parents

I have reviewed the Summary Plan Description and do not see anything that would exclude my pregnancy from coverage under these circumstances. I do want to be careful and want to confirm that my insurance will cover my surrogacy pregnancy and delivery.

Please send a letter stating whether my current insurance will cover my pregnancy.

As the letter says, there is nothing in any of my insurance paperwork that says that surrogate pregnancy is not covered. I have always had amazing coverage through my insurance and honestly expected a quick response with a letter stating that they would provide coverage. 

This was a HUGE part of the process as E & S would have to purchase additional health insurance for me if this weren't covered through my personal insurance. This could ultimately delay everything; purchasing a whole new insurance policy could take MONTHS. All sorts of paperwork, etc. 

Near the end of June, I hadn't heard anything back. So, as I tend to do, I took matters into my own hands and called the insurance company. Here's where the fun began. 

I call, wait on hold after choosing the prompt for "coverage related questions" and finally get a representative that tells me, "Oh yes, Samantha, it looks like we received your letter and have sent out a response. The surrogacy will not be covered by your insurance." 

My heart SANK.

Of course, being the type of person I am, I wanted answers. Why exactly wouldn't it be covered? And WHERE does it say that it isn't covered in any of my plan documents? 

While on the phone with this rep, she tells me the page number in my plan document that she's referring to. I pull it up. It says that my insurance will not provide coverage if I were to have a surrogate carry a child for me, due to infertility issues. Not exactly what I am doing here. I'm going to be the pregnant one. I politely explain this to the representative. She puts me on hold for awhile, a LONG while... and comes back and says that she can't find the answer at the moment but would love the opportunity to call me back. Sounds like a plan to me.

Until she never calls. So I call again, get a different representative, and they have a completely DIFFERENT story. She says, absolutely. I repeat, ABSOLUTELY, it would be covered. Her reasoning? "We don't ask you who the father is when you get pregnant on your own, this is basically the same thing." I laughed at this, but is it not so true? When you go to the Dr. and say that you took an EPT that was positive, they don't start asking you questions about who the father is and if it's your baby or not. They schedule your appointment, you see them, and your insurance is billed. No questions asked. I could've lied, not sent them a letter, and just gone in once all the IVF was through and no one would have been the wiser. 

I'm so incredibly happy now that this lady is telling me it's covered. It's a HUGE sigh of relief, and one less thing on the to-do list before getting pregnant. That is, until I ask her to send me a letter saying that it is covered, as it's required for this whole process. She says there isn't a letter they can send for this. Working in the banking business, I understand the legalities of letters we can and can't send to customers, but they had just sent me a letter saying it wouldn't be covered. How was it possible they couldn't retract that letter and send  one saying it would be? Plain and simple. 

After multiple phone calls and holding for what felt like hours, I talked to someone who assured me they would send me a letter saying it was covered, and all would be well. 

Finally, in JULY, I received a letter stating that they would cover me. No more headaches, no more waiting. It seemed like all the T's were crossed and I's dotted. Now to wait for things to fall into place at ORM for us to schedule the embryo transfer.

Dating and Surrogacy

Do they mix? Fantastic question.

Now, when I signed up to be a surrogate I never imagined that I would even want to date someone at all during the whole thing. Like I mentioned in one of my first posts, I had been engaged and broken it off at the end of 2010. I wasn't looking for love or anything really.

Let's face it though, eventually... after a certain amount of time being single, it kind of gets lonely. Sure, I had Peyton but cuddling with a then 3-year-old versus cuddling with a man were completely different.

As far as the whole surrogacy arrangement went, I am 100% allowed to date. I remember Sandy and I having a conversation about it once, and her saying "You know you CAN have a boyfriend during all of this. You can even get MARRIED." HA! I thought. The likeliness of me getting married in the approximate year-length surrogate process was a joke. I clearly wasn't ready to get married in 2010, and nothing had really changed since then. Other than my decision to give my entire body up for someone else's happiness. (Small details, right?)

Near the end of May (2011 of course), I met someone. He wasn't at all what I "usually" dated but put a HUGE smile on my face. We met at a work function (we both work for the same company) and totally hit it off. I obviously wasn't pregnant yet, so I didn't have to have that conversation, but I clearly couldn't keep this HUGE thing that was about to happen in my life a secret for very long.

Here's where it gets tough... How on earth do you casually bring this up to someone you are dating? "Um, by the way... I'm gonna be pregnant soon." Not really that simple.

One night when we were hanging out at my house, I FINALLY decided to tell him. I honestly have very small recollection of how I brought it up, but I finally spilled the beans. Of course, he had a lot of questions. Everyone does.

The big questions:
1) "Why?"
2) "A GAY couple?"
3) Which was more of a statement really... "Haven't you thought about how this is affecting YOUR life and prohibiting you from finding 'the one'?"

Number 1 was simple, I have repeated it thousands of times at this point and will continue to. I want to be able to give someone what I have with Peyton. Plain and simple. Question 2 was also simple (for me at least), WHO CARES!?!?!?! Gay, straight, single, married, PURPLE.... I DON'T CARE.

Once question 3 came up, I was beyond pissed. Like, straight up probably red in the face ANGRY. What exactly do you mean this is going to PROHIBIT me from finding love? There is nothing that says I can't find love or date during this whole thing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

He went on for what felt like hours about how 1) he was raised Catholic and how a family is a man and a woman... all BS I have heard before about the whole "gay" issue. And 2) how he'd rather that I be pregnant with HIS child than carry someone else's and 3) how hard it would be to explain to his parents that the girl he was dating was pregnant with not only someone else's baby but for a gay couple. (Face getting MORE AND MORE red at this point).

I finally gave up and changed the subject, and was pretty much ready to end the whole thing right then and there. (And at this point most of you are thinking, um YES you should have.) But... I was hoping his mind would change. I had just dropped a huge bomb on our pretty new relationship and I could understand how one could be thrown for a loop.

Our relationship lasted maybe a month, though, and I couldn't take it anymore. This whole thing was all I could talk about. My friends, family, co-workers, it was all they heard. After all, it was the biggest part of my life (still is), besides Peyton. Every time I brought it up he would make some snide remark that would piss me off even more. So, no matter how happy he made me (when we weren't talking about me being a surrogate), I knew it wasn't healthy.

Clearly this guy wasn't 'the one' because if he had been, we wouldn't have had an argument about it, he wouldn't have had the beliefs that he did, and he would have been totally comfortable telling his friends and family that the girl he was dating was pregnant and it wasn't his. I still stand by that. It may not be an EASY thing, but the right guy will be happy that I am happy and stand by me in my decisions.

So, to answer the question "Do dating and surrogacy mix?" In this instance, NO. H-E-Double Hockey Sticks... NO. I still have faith that if the right guy comes along and I'm pregnant, it's not going to stop us from being together. If he doesn't come along yet, so be it. I am in no hurry.

Mock Cycle

May 26, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I met with Joy from ORM this morning before work. We went over the mock cycle that I will be starting soon. Basically, it is a test run for the embryo transfer. It includes some injections of a medicine called Delestrogen, lots of blood tests and a test called a hysterosalpingogram or (HSG). She wanted to show me how to inject the medication and how to correctly use the syringes, etc. Thank goodness I have Traci to help! No way am I going to be shooting myself with a needle!"


My friend's mom, and actually an old co-worker of mine Traci is a nurse and lives about 3 minutes away from me. Thankfully! She agreed to help give me the injections so I didn't have to do it myself. I would start taking the Delestrogen twice a week the day after my next menstrual cycle. Based on my birth control pill packet, that should be coming up in a week or so!

June 4, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I officially started my period today, so that means I start injections tomorrow! I received a package from FedEx today with all that I will need for the mock cycle: syringes, needles, medication, alcohol swabs, bandaids, and sharps containers. I opened the package on my bed and I seriously look like a drug addict. Sent a picture to mom and she said "yikes!" I have to take the Delestrogen at night so tomorrow Peyton and I are having dinner over at Traci's then she'll give me the shot before we go home. Hope it doesn't hurt too bad." 


Literally opening the FedEx package I was in shock how much went into just the mock cycle, a test-run and much SHORTER amount of medication than I would be taking once we started the actual calendar leading up to the real embryo transfer. My goodness! What had I gotten myself into? Again I say, thank goodness for having nurse friends that live close! By the looks of the needles in the package, there was no way I was getting ANYWHERE near them myself. I'd leave that to the professionals.

June 5, 2011:

Journal entry:

"The first shot was a success! And a piece of cake! I could barely feel it, but it was a very SLOW shot. By slow, I mean the medication itself is a very THICK liquid so Traci had to slowly inject it. I haven't noticed any side effects, just kind of sore around the injection site. I am supposed to massage the area after the shot for a minute or so just to help the flow of the medicine and keep it from staying in that one area."


It really wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, especially since I had seen the needle itself and how thick the Delestrogen is. The mock cycle has the Delestrogen dose slowly increase each time, so hopefully the shots stayed nice and easy, and painless.

June 8, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Second shot was a success as well! This thing is pretty easy so far. Tomorrow I have my HSG procedure in the morning at Siker Medical center in Portland, then I will head to work afterward. The nurse I spoke to at Siker said that likely I will have a little bit of cramping afterward, but it shouldn't last for more than 10-15 minutes and I will be good to go! Basically, from what I understand, the procedure is to make sure that there isn't any blockage in my uterus or ovaries that may cause a problem with the embryo transfer. I have to take an antibiotic pill before I go in, and then one tomorrow night as well just to prevent infection from the procedure."


It feels so good to be into the mock cycle and having tests done specifically regarding the embryo transfer itself. I was so excited because it meant we were that much closer to the actual transfer, and hoping that this HSG thing went smoothly.

June 9, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Worst. Pain. Ever. So much for 10-15 minutes of cramping and I will be good to go, thanks a lot nurse. Not only was the procedure itself painful (the Dr. blames it on my slightly tilted uterus) but I literally have been in pain non-stop since I left the office. I went to work briefly, took tylenol to help with the pain and took a nap upstairs during my lunch break, but I couldn't stay. There was absolutely no way I could function, and I can barely function right now. That was the worst thing I have gone through."


I posted on Facebook about how painful this procedure was, and how horribly disgusting I felt and surprisingly a couple of friends of mine had went through the procedure before as well. Both of them, though, said it was a little crampy but that was it. So what am I? Just the odd ball out, one of very few people who get this much pain? Yay me!

June 10, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Had a quick blood draw today at ORM to check my estradiol levels and get the amount of mL for my next Delestrogen shots. I will have another blood draw on the 17th along with an ultrasound."


June 17, 2011:

"I had my 'mock transfer' today! A lot less painful, and a lot less complicated than I thought it would be. Basically, I had to show up with a full bladder (so I started drinking water an hour before the appointment) and they did an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus and how it was responding to the injections. My REALLY hot doctor, no joke, told me that everything looked great with the lining and then performed the 'mock transfer'. Basically they use this little tiny catheter to implant the embryos. Since it was just a 'mock' transfer and not with the actual embryos, they put some dye up there and watched it on the ultrasound to see where it would flow to. Took a matter of a minute for the transfer itself. Crazy how quick it will be when they do the actual one.


Joy, the original rep from ORM I had been working with up until now is no longer going to be at the practice. She is "retiring" to stay home with her kids. So everything is now going to be through someone named Carrie, who I met today.


She called me after the appointment to let me know that my estradiol levels looked great, so I have to start taking this pill called Provera for 7 days, which is supposed to bring on a period. I JUST had a period... ugh. This should be fun!"


I remember thinking that the mock transfer, and the embryo transfer itself were going to be absolutely painful and also both extremely lengthy in time. Who knew that it only took a matter of 60 seconds to impregnate someone, hypothetically of course. I would take my last injection of Delestrogen in just a couple days, and wait for the period brought on by Provera and then call Carrie to let her know the first day of my cycle. As far as I knew we were right on track for the actual transfer next month.

I have a lawyer!

April 27, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I have a lawyer! Her name is Erin and she deals a lot with NWSC and adoption cases as well. We haven't met, but exchanged emails today. She is there to advise me on the official contract between E & S and I. As soon as E & S and their lawyer have had a chance to review the contract and make any revisions they see necessary, we will get the contract to review and change as well. Then we all sign! Contracts make this all so... official."


I was so anxious to meet with Erin and go over the contract, but we still had to wait for E & S to review it. Most surrogacy contracts are pretty straight forward, from what I knew. It of course will include information regarding my compensation but also that I will just be carrying the baby(ies) and that I will in no way be responsible for parenting the children. Good thing I have a lawyer, though, as I am sure not all of it will be easy to understand.

Don't even touch me!

April 13, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Forgot to write about the earlier happenings of yesterday. I had my appointment with my OB down in Corvallis yesterday at 1:30. Another required step to get me one step closer to getting pregnant! Ah, getting pregnant. Haven't really put it like that. Sounds so... weird. 


I had to have a physical exam, pap, and test for every STD known to man. Or so it felt like. They also took out my Mirena. I feel like it has been a part of me for SO long it is weird having it out now."


I titled this post "Don't even touch me!" because literally after having my Mirena removed, I felt like I could get pregnant just by a guy looking at me. I felt so... vulnerable and unprotected. Mind you, I wasn't having sex with anyone and hadn't in what seemed like an eternity, but I of course didn't want to get pregnant with my own babies!

My OB prescribed birth control pills, by instruction of Joy at ORM (Oregon Reproductive Medicine) whom I had spoken to recently regarding getting the whole process started. And man was it a process. The birth control pills were to get my cycle regulated and easily trackable, and also somewhat align me with the egg donor as well.

At this point I was waiting to schedule an appointment to meet with Joy and go over the "Mock Cycle" which is like a test run of the actual embryo transfer. Starting on birth control pills was going to be a challenge. I chose the Mirena after having Peyton because it meant I didn't have to REMEMBER to take a pill every single day; I had a history of forgetting. Alarm on phone, SET. Title "Birth Control!!!"

Home Visit

April 12, 2011:

Journal entry:

"A social worker came over today for the required home evaluation. She was here only about 45 minutes tops and said everything seemed great. They just have to make sure that both Peyton and I live in a stable home so that while I'm pregnant I am in a safe environment, etc. 


Sandy was telling me that apparently one of their previous surrogates had a bunch of crazy roommates that almost interfered with her 'qualification' of being a surrogate because the impression the social worker got. Glad I live with just Peyton and I! 


The social worker complimented the apartment on being so clean. She asked me if I always keep it this clean. My answer, yes. Which isn't really a lie, I have been so obsessive about keeping it clean lately."


In addition to all of my medical records being evaluated, having an interview with the NWSC staff, meeting with the potential IPs, getting a psych evaluation, etc... there is also a home visit from a social worker that was required.

I was a little skeptical at first, not that I had anything to hide, but because I felt like my whole life was on spotlight. It was my HOME she was coming into to make sure it was safe. Almost as if someone had called CSD and reported a concern, you know?

Thank goodness I had no crazy roommates to hide, and Peyton behaved himself for the most part. He was curious who this random lady was in our house and why she was asking his mom SOO many questions.

Am I crazy?

April 6, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Guess what I got to schedule today? A psych evaluation! How fun right? I get to prove to all those people who have accused me of being crazy in the past... well, prove them wrong or right I suppose. The Dr. that works with NWSC for these evaluations called me today while I was at work and said she may have some evening appointments available that would work with my schedule, since I can't really take any time off from work during the day to go get my 'craziness' checked out. Especially since not everyone at work knows what I am doing yet. 


She emailed me the two nights coming up that will work for her, and I picked April 19th at 6:30. It seems so far away, but I am asking her to adjust her schedule for me! I guess I can be patient."


Such a crazy (no pun intended) thing to have to be evaluated for. I know it isn't really to check if I am CRAZY, but more to check if I am emotionally stable enough to carry someone's child for 9 months and then give it away. I'm not going to deny, at this point I absolutely KNOW that there will be all sorts of crazy emotions involved in this whole process. Not only will I be PREGNANT which in itself causes emotions to go haywire, but I will form some sort of bond with the baby(ies) as they will be growing inside me for almost a years time.

April 19, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Well, I should know the results in a couple days! (If I'm crazy or not, that is...) The meeting with Britta (the dr.) was pretty short, and then I was left to fill out a psych evaluation test type thing. It was a TON of I strongly agree, strongly disagree, or somewhere in between questions. And by a ton, I mean over 100. 


When I was talking to Britta it was all about why I am choosing to be a surrogate, and what I thought of the couple (E & S) since I have met them already at this stage in the process. (I guess not all of the surrogates have their evaluations after being matched). I explained to her why, again, which I feel like I will end up repeating many, many times throughout this whole thing. 


The questionnaire thing was the weirdest part of it all. She left me at her office by myself, just in the lobby and I had to slide the clipboard under her door when I was through. Here I am in a place I've never been, just sitting in the lobby all alone when everyone else in the building had left. The questions themselves almost made me question if I was crazy, no joke. One of them stood out "I often hear voices." Do I strongly agree or disagree with this statement. Um, obviously disagree. I don't hear voices! Then another similar question, "I often hear voices telling me what to do." Or, "I often think about killing myself."


I realize the test itself isn't tailored toward women becoming surrogates, just to test your level of sanity in general, but still. I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy!


Britta said she'd call me if anything 'weird' came up from the test results, but other than that I will not hear from her again. Here's hoping I don't get another call!" 


I never heard anything, guess that proves I am not crazy!

Spilling the beans

March 23, 2011:

Journal entry:

"I officially told Lorre and Penny, the two people I have been freaking out about telling. Then, I put it on Facebook. It's definitely official now, no taking it back!"


Telling everyone in my family, my friends, and the Facebook world definitely made it more official. No more secrets about where I was going or who E & S were. Little did I know that some of the people in my life wouldn't be as accepting of my decision, though.

As expected, most people had a TON of questions. As did I when I started the whole process. A lot of people still have a lot of questions even as far into the process as I am. It's COMPLICATED, to say the least. I'm happy to answer questions, and LOVE sharing my story. Hence the blog.

But there are those that don't accept what I'm doing... which I will cover later.

They like me, they really like me!

March 18, 2011:

Journal entry:

"They liked me! Sandy called to say they enjoyed meeting me and want to spend more time with me before they fly back to Paris on Sunday. That leaves TOMORROW! They will be there/here at 3pm. At my house! Sandy suggested I bring my mom to meet them. But, she has plans. Sarah will fill in! Ahh! So excited!"


Over a year ago, having company at my house was a no biggie. My house was usually impeccably clean so I was excited to have company! These days, the thought of company coming over (especially as important as E & S) would have me stressed for hours attempting to get my house to the clean it used to be.

Sarah agreed to come up early to hang out and wait for them to arrive, and they were to meet Peyton as well! How crazy was all this? I assumed that meant they were pretty set on me being "the one" to carry their children, but it wasn't official yet.

March 19, 2011:

Journal entry:

"It's official! They picked me! I can't even begin to explain how wonderfully the meeting went. Peyton actually HUGGED S the moment they walked in the door. That so does not happen. They brought me a gorgeous bouquet of yellow roses, how perfect! E even played XBOX with Peyton. 


We talked more about the whole process, about them picking an egg donor, etc. They want to, if I'm comfortable with it, be in the delivery room when I'm having the twins. They have a few names picked out for the twins already. They gave me their Skype username so we can keep in touch until July. This is just so awesome. I can't even explain how happy I am."


Finally, I was matched with a couple! An AMAZING couple for that matter. I couldn't imagine finding any two people who were more perfect. Now, the real process begins! Lots of stuff to do before getting the embryo transfer in July! That was only 4 months from then.

E & S

March 17, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Amazing doesn't even begin to describe how the meeting went. E & S (two wonderful French men) met with me tonight. They asked a bunch of the same questions that Sandy had asked, and just wanted to get to know me a little more as a person rather than strictly on paper. It sounds like, if all goes well (AKA they pick me), the embryo transfer of TWINS, yes TWINS will happen in July. Which means I will be delivering just about a year from now! Crazy, right? 


Did I mention they live in PARIS? Oh my goodness! 


Now, I just wait. They have to decide if I'm the one they want carrying their children. I'm so already committed to them after just the hour or so of meeting them. Cutest thing ever, they did the whole "French" thing and kissed me on both cheeks when we said goodbye. Who knew they actually do that?"


For privacy sake, I have left out their actual names and will call them E & S (which I have been calling them probably since I met them.) Confidentiality is a must during these situations.

Now, English obviously isn't their first language so there were some communication barriers but E managed to communicate the most between the two of them. (S claims his English is terrible but I think he understands more than he lets on.)

A big topic of conversation during the meeting with E & S was what sort of relationship the three of us will have during the pregnancy and after the baby(ies) are born. For me, I'm a pretty emotional person and know that I could never actually carry a baby for 9 months, deliver it, and then never see it (or pictures of it at the very least) again. Being the surrogate, I get to say what I would like and they can decide if that matches with what they want. E put it really well, and said that we are all human. There will be a relationship developed throughout all of this. At the VERY least they agreed to sending email updates and pictures of the baby(ies) after they are born so I can at least follow through their life and see what I helped to create. Exactly what I needed to know.

I called my mom (notice a pattern?) as I was leaving the parking lot (on bluetooth in my car of course) and rambled some more. She's used to this by now. I couldn't stop talking about all the wonderful things about them. They literally are the cutest couple I know.

I was ready for them to make a decision NOW, but like I said in my journal entry "They have to decide if I'm the one they want carrying their children." 

It's not like buying a car, or a house, or picking out a blouse to wear for a job interview... this is LIFE we're talking about. A woman carrying your children for 9 months. She has to be trustworthy, and there has to be a connection one way or another.

Best Email Ever (So far)

March 11, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Best. Email. Ever. 


'I have a family arriving from France on Monday and am hoping to show them your profile. Would you be available next week if they are interested in meeting you?'


Yes!! Of course I would be!! Oh wow. I cannot contain myself at this point. I wrote back literally within minutes of seeing the email from Sandy. I called my mom and think I rambled for about 10 minutes about what this all means and how happy I was. Finally things are getting more and more real!"


At this point, this was the best news I'd received since a month ago when I made the decision. A couple, from FRANCE, wanted to meet with ME! How awesome is that? I knew that NWSC dealt with international IPs (intended parents), but never really thought I'd be lucky enough to be involved in something that cool. Not that them being from France made them any more deserving, but what an adventure!

March 16, 2011

Journal entry:

"Sandy called! They want to meet me. Thankfully, I already had planned for Peyton to stay at the babysitter tomorrow night. March 17th at 7 pm. This is REALLY happening. Now, let's just hope they like me!"


St. Patty's day now was going to have a whole new meaning for celebration. Peyton was staying at the babysitter because I had plans to go out and watch my friend's band play at a bar in Portland and would be out late. It would be perfect. Meet the possible IPs at 7, and head to The Thirsty Lion afterward for a night with friends. Probably the best St. Patty's day yet.

More Waiting

March 4, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Got an email from Sandy, apparently the lady at my OB office didn't send the records from my laparoscopy. Definitely a must have to show there was no sign of endometriosis. Guess it's time to make a phone call!"

March 9, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Haven't heard anything for a few days, kind of anxious and definitely not patient. Patience was never my strong suit. I decided to send an email to Sandy to verify receipt of the remaining medical records and also to see if she needed anything more from me. I just wanted to speed up the process as quickly as I could!" 


If anything, at this point, they could say that I was definitely on top of things! I'm always one to be proactive when possible.

The Interview

February 24, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Sandy from NWSC called me today, talked a little bit over the phone and scheduled a meeting/interview for next week! Ahh! This is really happening, isn't it? All of it went from a thought, to now meeting with one of the co-founders of the agency! I am going to be anxious until Tuesday! I just have to call my OB-GYN and have them send my medical records from the pregnancy and my laparoscopy over. She said she needed the records before/on Tuesday. Let's hope my OB office can make that happen!"


I was so excited to hear something! It'd been a week since I sent over the huge packet to Tabitha and I was starting to get anxious again.

Side note: I had a laparoscopy about 9 months prior due to my OB thinking I may have endometriosis. Thankfully, that was not the case. Having it would have "disqualified" me from being a surrogate, and also caused me to have a more difficult time getting pregnant myself in the future.

March 1, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Well, today is the big day! A meeting that could ultimately seal my fate of being able to actually do this. I brought pictures of Peyton and I to share, like she had asked. Most of the interview was with Sandy, the co-founder and also an adoption attorney. I think I was there for almost two hours. Big topics of conversation: 1) Termination of Pregnancy 2)Selective Reduction (which by the way, I had NO idea what that was). 


Before going to the interview, I knew we would talk about termination. Scariest. Subject. Ever. Personally, I think abortion is HORRIBLE and way too often used as a birth control method for far too many women. I did, however, agree if there were a health risk to the baby(ies) or to myself I would be open to termination. ONLY if there were a health risk. The same applies for selective reduction, if babies or me are at risk, totally ok. No health risk = NOT ok. 


I also met Tabitha, whom I had spoken with first, and Molly who is in charge of the financial aspect of it all. Speaking of finance, Sandy went over all the things that I, as I surrogate would get "compensated" for. WOW. That's all I could say."


Meeting Sandy and the team at NWSC was absolutely amazing. I could talk to them as if I had known them for years, and still to this day enjoy calling and chatting with them throughout the process.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the subject of selective reduction that was mentioned, here is a definition:

Selective reduction (or fetal reduction) is the practice of aborting one or more fetuses in a multifetal pregnancy, say quadruplets, to a twin or singleton pregnancy.


From what Sandy mentioned, the typical embryo transfer only includes 2 embryos so the likelihood of a triplet or quadruplet pregnancy would be very small. However, still a chance, hence the question.

When I left the NWSC office there was so much going through my mind. When I first signed up, I of course knew that there was some sort of compensation financially, but it was the furthest thing from my mind. I literally was in it simply to help provide happiness to a family, and any financial compensation was extra.

If you are curious, there is a generic surrogacy compensation form at the NWSC website. Here's a link:

http://www.nwsurrogacycenter.com/surrogate_mother_compensation.html

More Questions

February 17, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Got an email from Tabitha today with a huge packet of information to send back to her, a more in-depth look at me and why I want to do this, but also who I am willing to do this for. (i.e. single parents, same-sex couples, etc.) Looks like I found something to do tonight!"

That packet was no joke! I believe I still have a copy of it because I faxed it over to Tabitha when I was done, but it went over all sorts of medical questions and questions about my pregnancy with Peyton and all about my life.

The most important question covered I think was about who I was willing to be a surrogate for, and it probably has caused the most controversy within my friends and family. (And would likely cause controversy anywhere...)

I am one of the most open minded people, and all I cared about was making someone happy with a child of their own, as I am with Peyton. I'm not one to discriminate if someone is a single parent, especially since I was a single parent from the moment I saw the two lines on my pregnancy test. I would never discriminate against someone for being in a same-sex relationship either, so those questions, to me, were simple. ANYONE.

The Phone Call

February 16, 2011:

Journal entry:

"Still no word from that first agency, but no less than 24 hours and already the second agency called me back! I spoke with Tabitha, while at work (trying to be secretive) and she asked me general questions about things I had put on the intake form: how old was Peyton, was I single, etc. And mainly, why? What a great question! Why am I wanting to do this? Well, first of all... Peyton is my world. Without him, I'm not sure what life would be like. It kills me to think that not everyone is capable of having a baby of their own. Someone who is a part of them. So, if I'm able to help, why would I not?"


I remember being absolutely ecstatic that Tabitha had called me that day, and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I called my mom shortly after I hung up the phone with Tabitha and shared my excitement with her. She was one of the few people that knew what I was trying to do, her and two of my older sisters, Katie and Sarah. It was all still so new to all of us that we didn't really know what was in store, but my mom was happy that I was happy.

Anxious

February 15, 2011:

In my journal you'll find this entry for that date:

"Still no word from the agency, and I am getting anxious! Their website said that responses are usually received within 24 hours. It had been 48! So, I get more anxious and decide to find another agency. Back to Google! The second search result, Northwest Surrogacy Center. I figure if I send a note, or form, expressing my interest in doing this to more than one place, I'm bound to hear something, and hopefully quick!"

This decision was definitely getting more and more real, and I was more and more anxious to hear back from someone, anyone about if I could actually become a surrogate. Although there was a checklist that I clearly met, I was sure there was more to it! So I waited some more...

The Decision

February 13, 2011:

As most people are thinking about love, lust, or loneliness today, the day before Valentine's Day, I was sitting at home thinking about doing something with my life. Love was the furthest thing from my mind as I had broken up with my fiance 5 months prior.

All I knew was that Peyton was and is my entire world. Without him, I'd be a lost puppy. Other than being his parent, what was I doing to better the world? What was I doing to help people? Opening new bank accounts for people, as much as I'd love to say it was, was not fulfilling enough.

I'd always flirted with the idea of being a surrogate, but never really knew what it entailed or if I was really even "qualified" to be one. So, I pulled out my laptop and brought up my favorite website: Google. Into the search field went "Surrogacy in Oregon."

If you were to do the same thing, you'd see that Oregon Surrogacy Center was the first thing to pop up. So, "click" goes the mouse and I'm reading all about what it takes to be a surrogate.

For those that aren't familiar, I will list those requirements here:

In order to be a surrogate, you must be:

• physically and mentally healthy;
• at least 21 years of age;
• parenting your own child, with a history of healthy pregnancies;
• willing to take medication by injection for several weeks;
• a non-smoker;
• willing to abstain from alcohol and drugs; and
• not greater than 32 on the BMI scale.

Looked like I was qualified! Next step? Send in an "I'm Interested" form. "Why not?" I ask myself. Form filled out, check. To my excitement it said to expect a response within 24 hours. As soon as I hit send though, I was ready to hear something back and NOW. Mind you, it was a Sunday evening... but for those that know me, patience is something I lack. So, I waited...