Numbness

August 20, 2012

Today the twins left on a plane to Paris. They are going home. How do I feel about this? If only I could let myself feel, I could tell you. I'm a mess, I think, but I haven't cried since Thursday when I said goodbye in person. And even then, I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.

I think mainly, I feel numb. I don't know how to feel because I've never done this sort of thing before. It's nothing that anyone can prepare for. Even though many people asked me ahead of time, before I even got pregnant, if this was something I could handle, I couldn't really answer them honestly. How was I to know if I could really handle it? I don't even know if I am really handling it now as it is.

The plan is to Skype a LOT with them and be able to watch them grow from afar. I can go to Paris and visit, and they will come back here to visit as well, but no time seems soon enough for me to see them again. Even if they flew back in a month, I still would want it to be sooner.

These beautiful babies, although they are not mine, are a huge part of my life. I feel like their mother, in a sense. I carried them for 35 weeks of my life and theirs and helped them grow to the babies they are now. They don't have a mom. I'm the closest thing they will ever have to that.

As I am typing this, the numbness is fading and I am starting to feel pain. Sadness. I feel so lost without them. I just want to hold them again, feed them, burp them, and watch them squirm as they fall asleep. Next time I see them in person they will be so different. What if it is a year before I see them? They will be walking, and talking. Things I can't even imagine them doing now. I want to be there for those first moments, but I don't have the rights to do that. I'm not their mother, as I have to keep telling myself.

My friends, God love them, keep telling me to focus on spending time with Peyton. The one who is ACTUALLY my child. But seeing him, looking at him, makes me realize just how quickly time goes by. He was a baby just yesterday. He's going to be 5 at the end of this year.