Being Selfish

By Sunday afternoon, there was no plan to induce or do a c-section. So, I was back to being at the hospital by myself. My mom had to go home because she had work in the morning.

Nothing had changed, only that I felt worse and worse as the days went on. I was bawling my eyes out from the pain, and even though my AMAZING nurse was advocating for me, the doctors wouldn't budge. None of them wanted to the "the one" to make the decision to induce me early if something went wrong. Or if the twins weren't healthy.

I didn't think I could handle it anymore. Emotionally and physically I was at my breaking point and knowing that I wanted to have a vaginal delivery, I needed to find SOME energy to go through labor. I didn't have any left. I would lay in bed dreading just getting up to go to the bathroom. The ONLY thing that I found to help was the jacuzzi tub they had on the floor. I used it often, but even then, the fix was only temporary.

And I was back to being alone, and it made my emotional state just that much worse. I couldn't sleep to get things off my mind, I couldn't do anything but watch hours and hours of worthless TV. Reading was out of the question because my head hurt too terribly bad.

Talking to my friends, I had to decide if I were going to call E & S or not. Eventually, something would be done and they would induce me. Did I call them now and risk the doctor not actually inducing until weeks later? Or did I wait?

They already had plane tickets purchased for a specific date, what I thought was July 31st or so. If I wasn't going to actually have the babies, and they jumped on a plane, it would cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars to change their flights. I had to make a decision, but I knew many people wouldn't agree. I would wait until the doctor gave me the 100% go ahead that I was being induced, or that they were going to do a c-section. It was the only way that I could feel at ease with it all.

I sent this to a friend on Monday morning. (July 23rd)

Being honest, I'm scared beyond what I imagined about labor. I know I have done it before but it wasn't the best experience last time. (not that any labor really is). I'm scared I won't be able to handle the pain. Scared of what will happen if baby B doesn't turn. Scared of a c-section. And the thought of having the boys here pacing the halls waiting to know if I'm getting induced or not doesn't make it any better. Yes, it is their babies. Yes they deserve to be here. But at the same time, this part is about me. The labor part.

I was being selfish. And I hardly ever am. But, at that point I was just so done with everything that I needed to make it as easy as possible on me. I would tell the boys as soon as I knew anything, but with as many times as I had been told that I was possibly going to be induced, I had zero faith in it. I would believe it when it was ACTUALLY happening. Or when I talked to MY OB about it. I still wanted to see her, but she wasn't on rounds. She wasn't the one who could make the decision. I had to put up with the other doctors, as much as I hated that.