Cold Feet

I haven't admitted this until now, only to my mommy group. But on December 6, 5 days before my scheduled embryo transfer I had what I will now call "cold feet."

Up until this point, I had been concentrating so much on taking the medication on time, making sure that I was physically healthy and ready to be pregnant. All I could talk about was getting pregnant, ask anyone who was around me. I was excited and couldn't wait to finally be pregnant and give E & S everything they wanted. Yes, I was worried a little about the what if's after the embryo transfer, but all in all I was simply excited.

Until that night. All I could think about was the one thing I guess subconsciously I was avoiding talking about. What was going to happen after the baby(ies) were born?

I had talked about this with E & S multiple times, and with Sandy at NWSC. But only sort of. We talked about how we would definitely keep in touch after the babies were born, how they would come to Portland and visit because it was a special place for them and they wanted to be able to share that with their children. We even talked about how I can come visit in Paris! (The best idea yet.) I will always have a part in their lives. I will have helped create their family, even if I weren't genetically part of the babies.

We never talked about the immediately after giving birth part. The part where I would be handing over one, maybe two babies to someone else and saying "see you later." It wouldn't be goodbye, but it wasn't like I would be able to see them whenever I want. Paris is a LONG ways away.

For some reason, this was the part that I couldn't keep my mind off of that night. I cried so much worrying about if I were making the right decision, if I could REALLY handle all of this. Even though I'd been saying for months it would be no big deal, it was a HUGE deal. I let all of the comments from others affect me. My dad saying not to do it, the failed relationship I'd had because of all this, everything that was trying to stop me from going through with it all. What if they turned out to be right?

After crying myself to sleep that night, I realized that it was nothing more than a normal reaction to all that was going on. Because I hadn't let myself even fathom that part of this it had all built up and hit me at once. This was and IS a very real thing. But I had made up my mind and I knew that this was what I wanted to do. I wasn't going to lie to myself and say that it was going to be easy, because I knew that it wouldn't be. But it was a decision I believed in whole-heartedly. I just needed to emotionally process the big day that was almost here. Women get cold feet before weddings, men too. I apparently get cold feet before getting pregnant.